Do you know why cats scratch at the door when they get home? Because you can’t hear them knock.
“Mom, why is your milk so sour?”
“Son, because it’s past the best before date.”
When I go to the bar on the weekend my prescription glasses turn into beer goggles.
On April Fools Day the new car smell smells like shit.
Food no longer has an expiry date, it has a best before date. So now it lasts forever or until eating it kills you.
I have a thick skin because it’s covered in crude oil.
I’m adopting a perky dog from the local animal shelter. I’m naming him Mr. Coffee Beans.